Top Five Regrets of the Dying
In 2009 Bronnie Ware, an Australian palliative carer wrote an online article in her blog called Inpirational and Chai, which gained so much attention and went viral she then put her observations into a book called ‘The top 5 Regrets of the dying’ this was about her time working with dying people. Bronnie “developed close relationships with her patients during their last weeks which resulted in raw, honest conversations about life and death, including what the patients wished they had done differently.”
Bronnie says that “People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learnt never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.”
When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret. “When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made”.
2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
This came from the many male patients that she had nursed. “They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men she nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence”. This may also be connected with income and falling into the trap of keeping a level of income.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
“Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. she says that many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result”. I feel the body does indeed respond to emotional, psychological beliefs, distress or suppression.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
“Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying”.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
“Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.”
So when thinking about these regrets, we can learn from others who have gone before…..and take the opportunity to change our lives now; how we relate to others, how we are in the world, how much time we spend at work, particularly work that we may not enjoy. Being able to express our fears, wants and desires and boundaries in a respectful way…having meaningful connections, staying in contact with those that matter. We can have an impact and influence on all the above 5 aspects of our lives and we do indeed have choices. We can choose a happier existence now and fully engage in life before we die. My shaamuc teacher taught me to have death as your close advisor.
