At the end of my life….what would love do now?
I attended the 2021 soul midwifery conference and this awesome poem was read out and I totally loved it, as others did and felt it encapsulated the role of soul midwifes and others whom support people at the end of life and wanted to share this here:
At the end of my life….what would love do now?
Love would be still and open; listening closely to what I might be telling you by voice or body, Not fixing, not directing; not diminishing my pain and fear.
Love will be tender and kind, reassuring me that you are here beside me, and with me,
Not scared or telling me it will all be okay or to keep my chin up,
But companionable, constant and present in the face of our not knowing.
Love will attend to my comfort and my surroundings
Adjusting the covers, the warmth and light, with gentle touch and sounds.
Love will touch me, wiping my brow, holding my hand and stroking my arm, Looking into my eyes without backing away in the face of my impending death.
Love will help others to be here too.
To help those I love to be near me by whatever means we can use.
Love will dance or hum to the tunes of our lives and help us to share this precious time. Love will give me chance to say goodbye to those I love,
and for them to say it to me if they choose.
To share stories and memories of our times together, good and bad.
Love will not shy away from the things that need to be felt, and said and heard.
To show how much you mean to me, and, perhaps, of I to you.
Love will surround me until, and even beyond, the point where I leave you, parted, perhaps, forever.
Love will let me go with dignity and in peace as we say our goodbyes and I take my leave. To let me know that while I may be missed… my loved ones will be okay.
Love will honour and celebrate our times together through stories and memories,
When the right time comes for people to gather again.
Or before, because there is no need to wait.
Love will go on living and laughing and celebrating the precious days ahead, Knowing that I lived well and died well, surrounded by love.
Reflection: What are your choices and wishes for the end of your life? What matters to you and to your loved ones?
Julie Barnes, 9 April 2020, julie.barnes@yahoo.co.uk Inspired by Felicity Warner, Soul Midwife Training, www.soulmidwives.co.uk Illustration by Julian Burton julian.burton@delta7.com Video recording with Corinna Powlesland at https://soulmidwivesshop.org/
How do use a memory box with bereaved children and young people
A memory box is a simple container which holds important objects that remind you of the person that has died.
When someone dies, we all worry that we will lose our memories of our loved one- it’s no different for a child by gathering and saving special memories, in a memory box, a child can go back to the box and reconnect to those memories, happy and sad when they are ready. It changes over time- what might make them happy one day, may make them sad another.
With siblings and the loss of their sister or brother, each child can make and decorate their special box. Ask the children if they would like to make a memory box and show them what you are talking about, use stickers, glue paper, along with other meaningful bits and pieces to give them an idea of how to decorate their box and any kind of things to put in. Let them decided if they each want to make a box and allow time to put their boxes together over a period of weeks. Items include toys wrappers of tier sibling’s favourite sweets, photos. This can be done on behalf of a child too.
The idea is that young people can put in pictures or items that their loved one had or cherished. For example, dad’s watch in or mum’s jewellery, as well as pictures or photos. Some children or young people have put things from the funeral or things after someone has died into their memory box.
A memory box is really useful to be able to store items that remind children and young people of special days or the person that has died. So, if there is a birthday card or anniversary and they want to keep that, they can keep it in their memory box to look back on.
But how can parents, carers and professionals use a memory box with children and young people? Here’s a step by step guide about how to use a memory box:
Step One: Source your box
Step one is, of course, to source your memory box. You can, of course, get any old box and decorate as you wish. An old shoe box works well as it has a closeable lid and can be kept under the bed. Some buy/source a lovely, purpose-built memory box. What is contained in the box is far more important than how the objects are stored.
Step Two: Fill your memory box
Fill your memory box with items that remind you of them, and times you spent together. It could be their watch or tie, maybe a scarf or their purse. You could include photographs and letters, or what about the lipstick they wore, a postcard from a holiday you went on together or a favourite CD they always listened to. How about their passport or a pair of glasses they wore? Then, when you want to remember…you can simply look through the wonderful collection of memories in the box!
Try not to simply fill your memory box with random bits and bobs… instead, make sure that each object has a story or memory attached to it.
Step Three: Write a note
Some people like to write a note for each item they put in their memory box, outlining why that item is important to them. This can be a really useful thing to do when you look back and reflect on what is in your memory box in years to come. You may have forgotten why a specific picture is important, but your note will be a nice reminder for you.
Step Four: Share your memories
Step four is completely optional – some people like to keep their memories private – but if you’d like to show family and friends your memory box, then that is okay too.
If you do feel like you want to share your memory box with family and friends, it can be really nice to share each other’s memories and talk about how those memories make you feel.
Resource Winston’s Wish & Rainbow’s Trust
Other ideas:
• Items of clothes
• Diary/Journal
• Notes/cards from them to you, or vice versa
• Awards they have received, newspaper mentions(things they were proud of
• Their order of Service /funeral sheet
• Lock of hair
Earth Earth Awakening – Death Awareness Space
I was delighted to be invited to complete the Death Awareness team held by Celia Libera and Mike Grenville at the Green Earth Awakening (GEA) festival which is an Autumn event, from Wednesday 12th to Sunday 16th September 2018, this event is affiliated with the Buddhafield Festival. A description of the GEA is as follows: ‘The Green Earth awakening is an intimate, late summer gathering to explore engaged Buddhism, community living, land skills and creative responses to forging social resilience. To bring together Buddhists, activists and anyone drawn to exploring the skills required to reach our collective potential. An Off-grid, drug and alcohol-free, temporary community where creativity can weave and connections can deepen. Expect the opportunity to network and collaborate through discourse, movement, music, play and fireside story and song.’
Tipi
‘The Buddhafield theme for 2018 is Dance of Life and Death, (which followed through to the GEA): Death can bring deep sorrow and grief. As the Buddha showed, all human lives are touched by loss. The paradox of the dance of life is that it is also the dance of death. Life is so precious because we have such limited time on this earth. How do we honour our grief and sorrow, whilst allowing it to permeate our lives in a positive way, encouraging us to transform ourselves? Buddhafield and GEA celebrated relationships, coming into a community, turning towards death and celebrating the joy of life, together, supported by our beautiful earth’.
I arrived Thursday evening arriving just in time to co-hold the Death cafe with Celia in our beautiful tipi tent, this was a full tent and one of the main themes that arose was suicide, and someone dealing with a terminal prognosis. It was powerful to share, and bear witness to peoples experiences and thoughts.
Friday morning Celia and I held a session Exploring Mortality and making plans to make choices around our death. And in the late morning, I offered a Gentle touch session, which became a lovely pampering session with emphasis on touch and consent as a giver and receiver and being clear about our own boundaries.
In the afternoon, I attended a grief tending ritual which was beautifully held by Sophy and her team, this was my second experience of this, my first one being at Buddahfield this year. These teachings come from Sobonfu Somé, who has brought to the West teachings from the ancient wisdom, ritual and practices of her Dagara ancestors. Largely offering community grief, so often we grieve alone or not at all, however, when we grieve together, not only does it help the individual to heal, it also helps strengthen the entire community fabric. Which I what I felt again. This yet again was a powerful ritual of feeling supported and supporting people in our temporary village namely this festival. I recommend attending such a ritual if you get the opportunity The song that was sung by us during this ritual and the same as the previous grief tending has now stayed with me.
Saturday morning Mike offered a workshop called when someone dies – exploring practical and spiritual options at and after death and Celia led 5 discussions to have with the dying who are living.
In the afternoon we all offered Blessing the body – ritual of washing, blessing and anointing as we say goodbye to our loved one. Celia made a splendid corpse model as we offer a demonstration. Late evening we held a companion voices session- whereby we learnt a simple song (lullabies in essence)and each takes it, in turn, to lie down and be sung too. It feels like a beautiful healing sound/voice bath.
Sunday we completed with Dying to talk session and a Sound Bath, the sound Bath was popular and unfortunately, we had to turn people away as the tipi was full. I totally enjoyed the festival, a small 500 people capacity and out in nature, the weather was good for this time of year. We offered varied workshops around death and dying and it was lovely to be offering this space at this festival and working alongside an awesome team.
Taking Death Café to Colourfest 2018
Death Café has been presented and offered at different festivals before. This was Colourfest’s first Death Café and my first time to run one at a festival, so I was so delighted to be hosting this one. This festival is described as “A dynamic, beautiful & constantly evolving gem of a gathering celebrating life through connection, ceremony, yoga, dance, music, art, theatre & playfulness.”
I was scheduled for Friday and Saturday. On Friday twenty people or so arrived; the indoor venue room that we were scheduled to use was not appropriate to use and I was asked to move to the tiny bar which was in fact too small. Unfortunately, a couple of people left and or didn’t stay as they popped in, whilst the others were ok to continue in the compact space.
I began with a minutes silence to remember those who have been before and then followed with an introduction of myself and how death cafes began, the purpose of them and then an encouragement to discuss any aspect around death and dying. I suggested that the conversations could be held in small clusters of about 3 to 4 small groups.
I provided a selection of herbal teas as I thought this would be the most simplistic method along with some biscuits.
In essence, there was a mix age range and I think the majority of people had never been to a Death Café before, however, it was well received and the conversations were flowing freely. Some had experienced a close family member or friend dying and were recounting their experiences of that time and others had no first-hand experience, however, it seemed that all wanted the opportunity to be in a discussion group around death.
A question was posed re mediumship versus the soul being reincarnated and how can the two approaches to the spirit or soul be both? Another spoke about their experience attending a funeral in Thailand for a local person and the cultural difference, in which gambling at funerals seemed to be a cultural given and part of the ritual and in addition lighting of string fire rope which travelled the site and finished at setting the cremator/body alight!
Near the end of our session, a woman said that she was inspired to start a Death Café in her own area, which is very positive indeed.
In the lounge area close to the bar and dining room I had put information leaflets from Dying Matters & Marie Curie and had a blackboard up with part of a comment: ‘Before I die I want to …. ‘ with available chalk to use. On my return, the blackboard already had a few statements written on. The following day the blackboard was full of interesting comments, however, it also had graffiti of a penis on it, which I felt a little disappointed by.
For the death Café itself, I managed to secure the dining room which was far more spacious and I felt drawn to stay in one large group, as the numbers were small, however more people drifted in and the number exceeded over 23 / 25, despite this we remained in the large group as people already had begun to introduce themselves.
Saturdays Café was also lovely. I believe nearly all except one had never attended a death Café before. Those who attended were pleased this was taking place or intrigued to be discussing death and also there were a significant number of people who were in grief, in particular, one with a recent and unexpected sudden death and another with a longer term grief. Hence there seemed to be quite a bit of sadness in the group generally along with intrigue and interest. We also touch on euthanasia and the seemingly insufficient end of life training that Doctors receive. For both sessions, I ended with my usual minute silence to complete.
In conclusion, the cafes were a good call to be on the festival programme and I hope there will be future opportunities. Colourfest is a delightful festival with a beautiful energy. Death is part of our life cycle, therefore to include Death cafes alongside inspirational, healing workshops and the general festive spirit is a welcomed aspect to be in the mix.
Making a Will
In November I had re-written my Will, which, on this occasion, was professionally written by a solicitor. Previously I have done DIY Wills bought from the Post Office or a High Street shop. l update my Will roughly every five years or so and as I was aware of the Will Aid Scheme, I thought that I would do this update as a comparison. Will Aid is a scheme that is available every November, where one can get a Will written for a donation of around £95.00. Will Aid is a partnership between the legal profession and nine UK’s charities. Every November, participating solicitors waive their fee for writing a basic Will. Instead, they invite clients to make a voluntary donation to Will Aid – They suggest £95 for a single basic Will and £150 for a pair of basic ‘mirror’ Wills.
My new Will details/wishes were more or less taken from the previous Will that I had written, as I brought it in to discuss. The only significant change to note was writing the addresses of those that I want to benefit from my will. This was advised to be written in the Will, rather than on a separate piece of paper, and it proved helpful as I became aware that I didn’t have all the addresses.
In conclusion, if you have a fairly simple Will, which I did, then DIY Wills is no different and just as legal. In England and Wales, the legal requirement is that the will is signed and witnessed by two people present. In Scotland, it only needs to be witnessed and signed by one other person.
If you are over 55 years old you can get a Will done for free. Under the scheme called Free Wills Month. The Scheme takes place every March and October and is backed by Charities, however, be prepared for your solicitor to ask if you would like to leave a donation to a chosen cause when you die, although you are under no obligation to do so. The towns and cities taking part in Free Wills Month vary each time the campaign runs. Visit the ‘Free Will Month‘ website during March or October and enter your postcode. You’ll be given a list of participating solicitors close to you, which you can choose from to arrange an appointment.
However, it’s simple to write a will, particularly when using guidelines from DIY Wills or from the opportunities of a solicitor as noted above. Its worth noting that all Wills become invalid if you get married and it’s wise to update your Will regularly. The most important message that I can offer is DO WRITE A WILL, this allows your wishes to be granted as you would want and your funeral wishes too. We often change our minds or viewpoints so rewrite your Will or funeral plan regularly to reflect this.
Top Five Regrets of the Dying
In 2009 Bronnie Ware, an Australian palliative carer wrote an online article in her blog called Inpirational and Chai, which gained so much attention and went viral she then put her observations into a book called ‘The top 5 Regrets of the dying’ this was about her time working with dying people. Bronnie “developed close relationships with her patients during their last weeks which resulted in raw, honest conversations about life and death, including what the patients wished they had done differently.”
Bronnie says that “People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learnt never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.”
When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret. “When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made”.
2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
This came from the many male patients that she had nursed. “They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men she nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence”. This may also be connected with income and falling into the trap of keeping a level of income.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
“Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. she says that many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result”. I feel the body does indeed respond to emotional, psychological beliefs, distress or suppression.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
“Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying”.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
“Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.”
So when thinking about these regrets, we can learn from others who have gone before…..and take the opportunity to change our lives now; how we relate to others, how we are in the world, how much time we spend at work, particularly work that we may not enjoy. Being able to express our fears, wants and desires and boundaries in a respectful way…having meaningful connections, staying in contact with those that matter. We can have an impact and influence on all the above 5 aspects of our lives and we do indeed have choices. We can choose a happier existence now and fully engage in life before we die. My shaamuc teacher taught me to have death as your close advisor.
Gong Workshop
This weekend, 3 & 4th June 2017, I attended a beginners level 1 and 2 Gong workshop, this was a practical workshop with Preet Kaur who is an accomplish player and kundalini yoga teacher. Her teacher is the renowned Gong master Don Concreaux, Kundalini Yoga Teacher.
There were only 2 participants on day and 4 of us for day two. My intention was to get a connection with my gong and to get the most potential with the gong.
Preet Kaur
Experiencing and benefits of Gong immersion
‘A Gong Immersion is like a very deep and lasting massage, by tuning the physical body and soul to the greatest possible resonance. Usually laying down on your back, receiving the sound energy of the gong as it is being played moving through the nervous system opening, clearing and recharging the whole mind, body and spirit. Triggering a meditation, contemplation state in which we have the opportunity to relinquish control of the mind. Negativity and chaos are suspended, irregularity and resistance are cleared, and the whole being is reset to a state of synchrony and alignment.’
We tuned in as a group each morning and afternoon and focus on our individual intention. which is always good grounding for any group practise or session.
The gongs available to play this weekend were 2 Paiste Gongs, which were the symphonic gongs 32 inch and a planet gong, Venus, 24 inch and I brought my inferior chau gong, 20 inch, which is bronze alloy made of 77% copper and 23% tin. Paiste gongs have more nickel silver to a formula of 63% copper, 25% zinc and 12% nickel, so the sounds are richer and vibrate more in my opinion.
Some of the Paiste gongs have the traditional Chinese Tai Loi symbols ‘Happiness has Arrived’ which I liked and these were on the 2 Symphonic gongs here, one can ask for these symbols to be placed on the gongs when you buy them. We used various sized mallets, the smaller the mallet, the higher the sound and the bigger, the lower the sound, of course mallets have an energy and Preet described this as the ‘Will of the Infinite’
Venus gong
Below are some quotes about the history and benefits of receiving gong playing:
The existence of the Gong dates back to the Bronze Age, around 3500 BC. ‘Evidence suggests that the Gongs existed at this time in Mesopotamia. Myth has it that sacred gongs included pieces of meteorites that fell from the heavens. Since the time of Buddha in 600BC, all sacred Chinese gongs have been inscribed with the two Mandarin Chinese characters “Tai Loi”, which means “Happiness has Arrived”, sweeping the darkness by bringing in the Light. The gong ancient use was as an initiation tool for enlightenment, etheric projection and exorcism of negative spirits. It has also been used by Tibetan monks, and the Chinese, for centuries as an aid to meditation.
Historic research provides us with four main centres – Burma, China, Annam, Java – at least 7 gong shapes and sound structures stem from these regions. Only few families knew the tradition of gong making as it was passed from generation to generation. The art of making gongs was veiled in a sense of magic. Gong makers believed that a gong could only succeed with the help of higher powers, and that they were exposed to forces more so than ordinary humans.
The gong was an important element in the lives of Far East people and is still in some countries today. In Asian families, the gong was an attribute of wealth and served as a status symbol. In rites, the gong was used in the evocation of ghosts and in the banning of demons. Touching a gong brought you fortune and strength. In rituals of the Far East, the gong has retained its special significance to this day.
playing the symphonic Gong
As a musical instrument, the gong accompanied celebrations, funeral ceremonies, songs, and theatre plays. In the music of the Asian high cultures, the gong was used as an orchestral instrument. Orchestras with gong plays containing up to 18 notes were not seldom. They were also played in private concerts at residences.’
‘The Gong is like a stargate from which brings in a vortex of energy which facilitates our connection with the infinite higher self. Creating a synergy effect bringing the listener to know the oneness of all effortlessly, while recharging the body and strengthening the nervous system all at once.’
During the weekend we covered a few stokes as a structure but of course when one plays one goes into intuitive playing and let go of the structures.
To begin with we would connect with the gong by priming the gong or waking the gong, tuning into the gong and tuning in with some reverent way for ourselves and those in the room..The playing stokes covered over the weekend were the individual gong strokes-stoke up, stoke down, flam, Tie, Vach Choir, Tsunami, Swinging door, flumi playing, roll stroke, Gong with the wind, penultimate stroke and ultimate stoke, these were easy to grasp and gave me basis tools to connect and experiment with the gong.
The Gong has the most powerful ability to affect the nervous system, it is powerful, subtle, sound affect vibration and clears thought, it can get passed the ‘monkey mind’ and get one into the neutral mind where healing can takes place.. the still point where space and therefore wisdom can be received. Gongs can be relaxing, stimulating and sometimes over powering, but usually one is left feeling refreshed, rejuvenated. People maybe become tearful which is normal where at a cellular level, memories can be cleared through the gong e.g grief
People may laugh, people may become energetic, blissful, relaxed and joy, so an array of emotions from anger to sadness is all normal and sound access these for what is required at that given moment or what is evoked.
I thoroughly enjoyed my two days, it was informative, I felt connected and got a deeper understanding of the power and healing properties of the gong and a relationship that I want to deepen. I realise that I will in due course want to upgrade my gong to one that has a fuller sound and potential of depth of a healing vibration. I felt very inspired indeed. Below is a quote that summed up the weekend:
“The Gong is the first and last instrument
for the human mind, there is only one thing
that can supersede and command the human mind,
the sound of the Gong. It is the first sound in the
universe, the sound that created this universe.
It’s the basic creative sound. To the mind, the sound
of the gong is like a mother and father that
gave it birth. The mind has no power to resist
a gong that is well played.”
Yogi Bhajan, Master of Kundalini Yoga
Finally I will close with this, ‘Sound plus intention equals Healing’ this was said a few times over the weekend which I already was aware of and one that I focus on whenever I do sound baths and healing sessions, a good mantra to have and practise.
Poem – ‘Grandad’ by Gwyn Davies
GRANDAD.
Goodbye my lovely Grandad, I bid you fond farewell,
Glad I had you in my life, so many tales to tell.
I’m glad I got to know you, never wanted to let go,
But I know that I was lucky to get the chance to know.
I’ll always store and treasure the memories you have made,
I’ll do my best to make you proud, and try and make the grade.
I’ll know you’re watching over me, every hour every day,
And that you’ll always guide me, and help me on my way.
So thanks for being there for me, even though the time was short,
But the lessons you have shown me, and all the things you taught.
Will guide my life and show me, I know what’s wrong and right.
And I know that you’ll be watching me even though you’re out of sight.
I believe that we will meet again, time passes in a flash,
And when it’s time to face you, into your loving arms I’ll dash.
So even though I’m sad now, sad to say goodbye,
I’ll do my best to make you proud, and hold my head up high,
Forgive me for my tears, but they come along with grief,
But I know it’s only normal, and brings me some relief.
So thank you for your guidance, I really am so glad,
Proud and oh so happy, to call you my Grandad.
Funerals to Die For – That Won’t Cost The Earth
I am a member of Home Funeral Network and HFN hosted their first conference called Funerals to Die For- That Won’t Cost The Earth, this took place in Oxford on November 4th 2016. It was a day of informative talks, inspiring stories, good workshops and included a film. The speakers were Jerrigrace Lyons, Professor Tony Walters, Dr Ros Taylor MBE, Josefine Speyer, who was a founder member of The Natural Death Centre and Claire Turnham, and others. Dee Ryding, funeral director and celebrant, introduced the speakers and facilitated a Q & A session with a panel from members of the Home Funeral Network. The energy for the whole of the day was really buzzing and positive, it ran smoothly and the packed community centre was energised and people had a positive experience.
The morning and afternoon were scheduled with talks and presentations and during the 2 hour lunch break there were crafts workshops to participate in and the film ‘a family undertaking’ was shown. I’ll write a little about the most inspiring speakers for me, however the whole event was just lovely, informative and inspiring.
Dr Ros Taylor
Dr Ros Taylor MBE is the current National Director for Hospice Care. Her talk was called Immortality and all that jazz. She is a leading figure in the hospice and palliative care sector with more than 20 years experience of both providing and championing quality, person-centred care for terminally ill people and their families. she gave an dynamic talk… with sign posting to Jose Saramago book ‘Death at Intervals’, Steven cave’s book ‘Immortality’ and she recommended Sheldon Soloman’s You Tube clips… She spoke about one of the barriers to talking about funerals is death anxiety, that death and our fear of death affects our behaviour and she will asked patients what’s important to one if time is short? and the need to promote self esteem as an intervention.
Professor Tony Walter talk was titled Is the Funeral Industry fit for purpose?”
Tony Walter
Tony Walter is a sociologist who writes, lectures and consults on death and society, and tutors on a course for funeral celebrants. He is Honorary Professor of Death Studies at the University of Bath’s Centre for Death & Society of which he was the director from 2011-2015. I have seen Tony in action before at a CDAS conference, so I was looking forward to his talk…
for more information see: http://www.bath.ac.uk/sps/staff/tony-walter/
Tony’s talk was indeed the most inspiring and slightly controversial, he was saying that in the 19th century when people moved to new industrial towns, they did not know where they fitted in and often they bought the ‘hard ware’ as Tony put it, to demonstrate family status and respectability.. later in the 20 and 21st century many more people felt more secure in themselves and funerals became minimalism, then funerals became personal, mainly looking back, celebrating the life of the departed. He proposed that there are ‘hardware merchants’ and this structure needs to change and is unfit for purpose. Tony was suggesting that even the independent funeral directors need to be mindful that they dont fall into the business of selling the hard wear too, as he felt this was indeed the case. – he ended with saying that we should perhaps be contracting with the ceremonlist before the hardware merchants and to have the ceremony at the heart of things. He advocated for do it yourself funerals, and maybe an aspect of cutting the cost would be to side step the hardware merchants and take the body straight to the point of disposal and possibly approach crematoriums as the main contractor ? I liked his input and fully agree that cost must be lowered and others such as a ceremonalist/ death midwife could take the lead.
Claire & Jerrigrace
Jerrigrace Lyons, is a Founding Director of the educational non profit organisation, Final Passages, based in California and Internationally known as a pioneer and teacher in home funeral guidance and family-led death care services. Jerrigrace is a death midwife, minister, author and educator. Since 1995 she has supported hundreds of families with their family directed, home funerals.
Claire Turnham is the Oxford based Founder of Only with Love, who supports home and family led funerals and is Chair of the Home Funeral Network. She is dedicated to empowering and guiding families to tenderly take care of their own. Claire is recognised as a leading home funeral guide, independent celebrant and natural deathcare educator.
Claire and Jerrigrace talk was called Returning Death Care and Funerals Back Home, and they discussed the movement of home funerals – and the need for a modern term for people to connect with – the term ‘home funeral’ was decided upon..their talk was interesting and they included personal experiences of supporting families.
Above some pictures of some of the craft/ creative sessions, weaving , making lanterns and felting.
The focus of the day was for the general public to discover the choices available, to consider aspects of Home Funerals, to connect with professionals, and hear the stories of people who have found their own ways to say goodbye. It gave some practical guides to dealing with death, dying and bereavement, through a compassionate, informed, natural approach to deathcare, and for some introduced the idea of home funerals and the role of death midwives and celebrants. The day was a success, I enjoyed meeting new people and familiar faces and I am so looking forward to next year’s conference.
A late Lark Twitters from the Quiet Skies
A Late Lark Twitters From The Quiet Skies – W. E. Henley
A late lark twitters from the quiet skies;
And from the west,
Where the sun, his day’s work ended,
Lingers as in content,
There falls on the old, grey city
An influence luminous and serene,
A shining peace.
The smoke ascends
In a rosy-and-golden haze.
The spires shine, and are changed.
In the valley shadows rise.
The lark sings on.
The sun, closing his benediction,
Sinks, and the darkening air
Thrills with a sense of the triumphing night-
Night with her train of stars
And her great gift of sleep.
So be my passing!
My task accomplished and the long day done,
My wages taken, and in my heart
Some late lark singing,
Let me be gathered to the quiet west,
The sundown splendid and serene,
Death.
